Because of you, in gardens of blossoming Flowers I ache from the perfumes of spring. I have forgotten your face, I no longer Remember your hands; how did your lips Feel on mine?
Because of you, I love the white statues Drowsing in the parks, the white statues that Have neither voice nor sight.
I have forgotten your voice, your happy voice; I have forgotten your eyes.
Like a flower to its perfume, I am bound to My vague memory of you. I live with pain That is like a wound; if you touch me, you will Make to me an irreperable harm.
Your caresses enfold me, like climbing Vines on melancholy walls.
I have forgotten your love, yet I seem to Glimpse you in every window.
Because of you, the heady perfumes of Summer pain me; because of you, I again Seek out the signs that precipitate desires: Shooting stars, falling objects.
Up at 6.30 feeling sick in the gut, made my own breakfast but had trouble eating it.
Kathy came and showered me.
Sandy said Michelle, Alan, Landon & Skyler caught the train up or down one or the other to see Mum.
Woke at 4.30 to pee without issue and managed 2 more hours of sleep before getting up.
Tim is back at work today
Been a cool day.
I am still coughing to I sound like I am going to throw up but of course I don’t.
So not allowed to see mum, who is still hanging in there.
Up at 6 again, did wake at 3.30 to pee and managed to go back to sleep without problem.
A much colder morning, I am in long pants.
At 9.45 Sandra rang to let me know Mum passed away.
April is a bitch of a month.
Slept straight through the night and woke at 6am. Tasha told me that last night Tim rang Sandra about Mum’s house and he felt like he was being spoken down too and felt disrespected. This pissed off Natasha so much she wrote and I sent a text to Sandy saying how we feel.
Had the meeting at the funeral home Mum will be buried on the 21st at Belmont.
Sandra made no comment about the text when I saw her.
Had a sleep in waking at 7am after sleeping through the night. It is suppose to be warm but not as yet.
Sandra picked me up at 9 something, and took me to Mum’s place to find clothes for her to be buried in.
All went good till Tasha arrived to get me and Dave had a go at her about posting Mum’s death on Facebook and not removing it till his daughter was told.
Tasha has as thing about step parents & children, often saying that they are not related and mean nothing to each other. Which is so wrong in my opinion.
Tasha is super pissed with me as I didn’t interfere because I love them both and didn’t want to be involved.
A new day, this morning I had to see the neurologist, he said my MRI was normal and he will refer me to a movement disorder doc in Sydney. Felt like it was a pointless appointment.
Daemon told me I am one of the best aunties that made me feel good.
Today has felt like a short day again been like that all week.
Woke at 6.30 after another good night.
We all went to Mum’s to meet the celebrant and talk about her service. I felt more included this time.
Sandy came over to get paperwork I printed concerning the headstone. She filled it in and I scanned it and emailed it to Sandy who sent it on to the council.
I forgot to do the shopping, will sort it out tomorrow.
Woke at 6.30 again a cold morning with some rain.
Kathy turned up is a mood so no shower this morning, she said she would be back this arvo
Kathy arrive around 2pm and gave me a shower, along with Tasha she changed my sheets.
Good morning everyone I am still coughing like I am trying to cough up a lung or something. This means I am unable to visit my Mum in hospital, yes she is hanging in there, just, we are going day to day.
Anyway here is this weeks five facts that should be correct but if not I am blaming my reference book.
The linen bandages that were used by the Egyptian’s to wrap mummies were on average 1,000 yards in length.
Albert Einstein’s last words will never be know, as he spoke them in German and his nurse didn’t speak German.
Jamaica has more churches per square mile than any other country
According to the ceremonial customs of Orthodox Judaism, it is officially night when you cannot tell the difference between a black thread and a red one.
The post has been a target for thieves from the day the postal service started. Important mail had a picture of gallows printed on t to warn thieves who couldn’t read what could happen if the post was stolen. Stealing Her Majesty’s mail carried the death sentence.
Well got up at what I thought was 7.30am but around 9am I realised that daylight savings had ended. This means it was 6.30 when I got up.
Felt like I did a bit today after days feeling like I did nothing, 2 load of washing, did the dishes and also the weekly medications. May not sound like much but for me it was.
Woke at 6.04 laid there for a few then got up,went to pee and ring Tasha.
I sorted out Easter gifts for the girls and Leo, gave Blain money yesterday.
Summer loved the bunny ear rings I gave her.
Tim getting the after hours doctor out as he is sick with the flu, yes he is at work but will get the doc out when he gets home.
I managed to sleep in till 6.30, I got up peed in a bottle, no a ice cream container in the toilet yes. If I tried to pee in a sample bottle it would be shaken all over the bathroom…..lol
After that Tasha helped me dress and took me to have blood taken. I had a fasting test.
Tim off work for the rest of the week.
Around 11ish Sandra rang to say that the doctor told her to contact her siblings to say our goodbyes. Jess drove me down to the hospital, Tim is too sick to go.
Tasha went to see her Nan as did Kathy. At one point there was 10 visitors 7 more then we were told she could have.
After I got home Sandy rang to let me know Mum had deteriorated rapidly,thankfully her conditioned stabilised,for a bit.
However she rang again at 5pm to let me know Mum isn’t expected to survive the night.
Woke at 6.30, no phone call about Mum, I guess that’s good.
Around 9.40 Tasha drove me too see Mum, Sandra was in the carpark making phone calls, she said the doctor had just told them that Mum has days at best. However, she looked and sounded good.
Mum said that she will see,she isn’t ready to die.
Tim went and saw our GP who prescribed antibiotics.
Woke up coughing, something shocking. No way I can go see Mum.
Rang Sandy she said Mum has been moved to a single room and that Dave, Leigh and her spent last night with Mum,there was a few close calls last night. They think she will pass today some time.
Tasha came and showered me ready to go out tomorrow.
No more news about Mum.
]
Woke at 5.30 so got up and had a wash and breakfast. At 8am I got ready to go shopping,Jess forgot but when Tim rang her she got up and we left.
It was bloody great going shopping, don’t need to go every week but once a month would be nice.
No change in Mum’s condition.
I bought Tim a new thermal undershirt and of course he doesn’t want it, so going to get Tasha to return it.
I am not with it today,tired again I have been up since 6.30 and Tasha was here just after.
Tasha came down while I was doing the medication for the week and took charge as she could tel I was having trouble.
Tasha also helped me hang the laundry up to dry.
Tasha gave me a shower before bed as I had an accident.
What a morning woke with the alarm but waited till 6.30 to send Tasha a text. However, I had to ring her at 7am as she hadn’t turned up. At which time I had already had a melt down in the bathroom while having my wash.
Turned out she had been sick at both ends all night, and was still not good.
When I rang Mum she didn’t sound like she was with it. I was talking to Mum when Jess rang my mobile she had workmen arriving and needed me to be at her place. I explained this to Mum who got shitty because I said I had to go and would ring her back.
When I rang back Sandy was there, well it turned out that Mum had taken too many Phenergan and was unable to stay awake. Phenergan is the only medication she is allowed to have at home not in a Webster pack. However, I said I think it is time to change that.
I woke up at 4.40am and felt restless so I got up and went to the loo. I couldn’t see so I removed my Cpap mask and of course I couldn’t get it back on so I have been up since then.
I had a doctors appointment Tasha said it was at 10am but she had the time wrong and were an hour early.
Tim somehow managed to go to work an hour early.
Also at work he noticed rear end damage to the car and he has no idea how and when.
Spoke to Mum after some problem with the phone, I rang, she answered and couldn’t hear me, this happened three times before I rang her from my mobile. Mum was distressed and didn’t understand why when she answered no one spoke, I had to tell her a few times what had happened.
I am feeling better today more with it.
Had some rain after I took Leo up the top of the driveway.
Been ok not great but I am never great now days.
Didn’t talk to Mum she didn’t answer the phone. The first time I rang it went to voicemail, this happens when the phone isn’t near her. So I gave it 5 mins and tried again,but it went straight to voicemail, like the phone was off the hook.
I rang Sandy who sent Dawson a text to check.
Woke up at 5.45am after s restless nights sleep only to be told by Tasha when she got here that Mum is in hospital.
Spoke to Sandy about Mum she is in Belmont hospital but maybe transferred to JHH later if she deteriorates. Her kidneys are only functioning at 9% which is low. She was also dehydrated and her heart rate was low around 45 beats per minute.
Sandy came over and had me be Mum so she could get the company she had to talk to her.They said they need Mum’s ok to do so.
Didn’t ring Mum and it felt odd.
Had a better night last night, no school for a couple of weeks but I was still up at 6am before my alarm.
Tasha drove me over to see Dad, when he heard I was going Leo asked if he could come, which of course he did.
Around 2pm the arthritis in my left knee flared up, the pain is nearly unbearable.
Jess put me to bed but I had a panic attack it was the start of a bad night.
The pain was so bad I was crying with pain,Tim is so worried he rang the Dr to your door. The doctor arrived at 10.30 wrote a script for Endone. He also told me to apply ice, which I do.
Got to bed around 11pm with a bag of ice on my leg and around 30 minutes later I fell asleep.
I woke at 9am and found Kathy and Summer were here, so she gave me a shower. I am not in much pain this morning.
Tim prepared my breakfast
Midday and I am tired so I am going for a nap.
Woke at 2pm and Tim told me to get some shoes on we were going to see Mum.
Mum was great much better then I expected her to be. She was pleased to see us.
By Pablo Neruda More Pablo Neruda
© Patricia L. Cisco 
By Maya Angelou 
